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WordPlay
Fair warning - this page contains giggles and groans! Special thanks to all who have sent jokes and puns by email over the years...keep 'em coming.
This is for everyone who thinks spell-checkers are also proof-readers...
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea
When eye strike a quay, right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate
I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
A promotional piece for a great new product crossed my desk recently and I want to share it with all my visitors:
B.O.O.K.
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (B.O.O.K.) It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an armchair by the fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: Each B.O.O.K. is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper, each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder that keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. The user scans each sheet optically, registering information directly into his or her brain. A flick of the finger takes the user to the next sheet.
The B.O.O.K. may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows the user to move instantly to any sheet and to move forward or backward as desired. Most B.O.O.K.s come with an "index" feature that pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "B.O.O.K.mark" accessory allows the user to open the B.O.O.K. to the exact place left in a previous session—even if the B.O.O.K. has been closed. B.O.O.K.marks fit universal design standards; thus, a single B.O.O.K.mark can be used in B.O.O.K.s by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable, and affordable, the B.O.O.K. is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Years ago, there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more spices.
However, when the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him:
"It is for Richard the Pourer for batter for wurst."
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He
had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform
well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of
time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a
different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber
to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken.
He hung a bell on each rooster's neck, and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency
report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells
and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he
was and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his
bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his
job and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he
entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No
Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
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